Suffering, Evil and Advanced Spiritual Despair
I welcome thoughts and feedback on the attached essay. Thanks.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marina on -
Hello Nathan,
As I started reading your essay, I was quite amazed how precisely you observed and described the fear within each of us. Fear as a powerful tool, as a stimulus in everyday life and a destructive force. I was also expecting the essay to unfold into a story of overcoming this fear and learning to see the world through the eyes of Love and was absolutely disappointed to discover that you let the fear rule your life.
I can only speak from my experience and hope that it will help you to see the light at the end of tunnel. Yes, we live in a cold, merciless and dark world, but only if we look at it through fear. By being constantly worried, afraid and angry, we invite the negativity into our lives and then wonder what went wrong along the way. As fear shuts our ears, eyes and numbs our hearts, we stop trusting and believing and become “blind”. We then blame G-d and higher forces for bad guidance and “bad parenting”, who’s nowhere around when we need them and demand practical answers. It is much easier than trying to stop the panic, look inside ourselves and trust what we know.
Each of us is a Master of our own life. We choose our thoughts, emotions and paths (they do not choose us). By opting to be afraid every single day of your life, you make this world a dark and destructive place. Let the fear be your driver and you set yourself for suffering through the entire journey and block the positive outcomes of your endeavors. That’s how the last paragraphs of your essay feel like.
However, if you have enough courage to open yourself to G-d within you, to trust the Divine force within you and let Love into your daily life instead of fear – you will see a completely different world. Try to make your choices based on Love and not fear, you will get all the practical answers you’re looking for here and now and you will be surprised how much kindness there is in this world. Faith and trust are the keys within each of us to lead us to a better place. Open your heart to faith and Love and have courage to face your fears and release them. Don’t let them be the Master of your life. Only Love can guide you to right choices and help you feel the G-d within you every day of your life, walking you through with Love.
Kind regards,
- Marina
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Permalink Reply by Nathan on -
Hi, Marina. Thanks very much for your kind words, encouragement, and for joining me in the the process of questioning and experimenting. Yes, the second to last paragraph of the essay leads down to the valley of despair and worship based on fear. Not to worry though, the essay is “to be continued” (I stopped writing in the wee hours of the morning as I needed to sleep), and it is my hope and hunch that, when the essay if finally completed, fear will not rule as king. Based on your reply, I had a few questions (1 paragraph), and some more thoughts (6 paragraphs). I'm still figuring out the etiquette and technology of this networking site, so I don't know the best place to put them (your comment wall; sacred commons email; my blog; this discussion string, etc.). I wanted to leave room here for thoughts beyond my own. Thanks. Nathan
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Permalink Reply by Graham Edwards on -
Nathan,
My lived experiance ,through grevious circumstances, brought me to a place where for me
"Emotional pain presented as a threashold and a doorway," needing to be grasped and walked through,
the outcome unforceen, but enabling came with being prepared to go through it , rather than avoiding it.These were both external circumstances and equally internal barriers within myself.
My fear , fear for me ,my aprehension was" fear of being loved," of being so in the presence of love.... that i would be overwellmed, lost, melted, touched ,changed ......
for me my challenge is to be as fully present before God as i can be,
These words touch on those yearnings:
"Now in the silence
still my hurried thoughts,
attune my ear to the timeless rythme
like the ticking of the clock,
as the dust settles on the day
Yield to being known......
and Rest in the Grace of that Knowing love,
and in it's Beauty.... Breath".
----------------------------------------------
" Hopes deep longing, now fulfilling
deep yearning...... deeply breathed,
determination yielding, ....to embrace,
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These touch on my own unfolding awarness ,
for me "Listening prayer" listening beyond myself ,listening... waiting before God, however
elusive, has lead to an unfolding path and journey the outcomes of which are now years later, more broarder and beautiful than i could have ever comprehended, similarly i am more aware of others
more able to reach out to others and give and recieve love.
Graham
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Permalink Reply by Cathrynn on -
hello, Nathan - I read your essay and I do think that life is incredibly tough at times - yes, and great loss and difficulty can sort of 'block' our feelings of being in touch with God. I have just come into sacred commons in response to Grahams friend request, havnt been in for a while - and in am in a temporary despair as to how to cope with the responsibility of caring for my elderly mother - I am so completely alone in this - yet, of course, I am reminded I am not alone. God is there and I need to ask him how I can cope with the tiredness and exhaustion of caring for a wonderful, legendary, stubborn 91 year old mama. I ran a business until a few months ago and in the last months realised that colleagues were not friends, they were out for themselves and truly bad bad bad things happened that I did not believe could be in these people who I cared for and thought cared for me.
So I am spinning around as well, trying to find a centre point where I can be peaceful with the responsibilities I have and health issues as well. Alone. The dark night of the soul can last a long time - I suspect with me, this short despairing episode will be sorted soon - I must remember I am not alone............thank you for putting up with me rambling and I wish you so much good on your journey - you are a thoughtful, feeling individual .....take care.....Cathrynn X
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Permalink Reply by Nathan on
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Working on the second part of the essay. Any thoughts appreciated. I have used this prayer to cry out my belief, my confusion, my hope, my loyalty. I like the melody. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTuRjFn5ySk
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Permalink Reply by Yevgeniy on -
Thanks, Nathan, for another great essay. Couple of quick comments - (partially borrowing it from Bennett) - i believe that there is a difference between doubt-doubt and doubt-discrimination. There is something in the nature of doubt where we demand some kind of recognition or answer. Like people who are always looking for material proofs of variuos marvels performed by saints, trying to photograph it, record it, measure it, etc. etc. etc.
Or trying to get an answer from G-d - like in that wonderful poem that you cited at the end.
We should be greatful to Rumi- G-d would probably never bother to descend to us to give us that message, cause in reality that kind of doubt really makes it impossible for the higher forces to reach us.
The second thought is more of a note to self. I can't pretend that i know G-d, know of G-d or that i can directly communicate to God even in my most sincere deepest prayer. I live in a world where God is a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection.
I can possibly enter world where it is reflection of a reflection. That's how i feel.
I have trouble writing it, typing it - i don't feel myself worthy of pronouncing it. So, i believe in my ability to communicate with higher powers that are concerned with this world - higher intelligences? angels? blobs of energy? something? Which are not infallible either!
And that relieves so much unnecessary pressure from my faith!
Suffering? Sure! Despair? Absolutely! Fear? Every day!
But doubt-doubt - No!
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Permalink Reply by Nathan on
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Yevgeniy. Today through very ordinary experience, I caught a momentary glimpse of how vast and multi-dimensional the internal and external world can be. Perhaps "vastness" is behind all the reflections. I continue to try to understand whether that impersonal impermanent vastness is a good guide that can lead toward greater peace and understanding and comfort in matters of the human heart and mind. Peace. Nathan
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Permalink Reply by Graham Edwards on
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I'm tentertive to offer a response to the thread of this discussion, yet feel that may be something in the resonance of what i'm trying to say , that may be usefull.
May be looking on say Despair as a Desert, or say Fear as a Deep Ravine or River to cross,...... a necessary part of the journey, ........ dangerous and demanding.
Say your going to cross the Desert, you set your "compass" and journey through barren, arrid, dry, endless searing days,
parched, and maybe puncuated by an Oasis,
until finially you come to the other side,...... relief....
looking back many lessons may have been learnt on that journey and perspective may be apparent in retrospect.
My hunch is that "our journey homeward" toward the heart of God may not always be easy, and invaluable lessons are learn't in those dry and thirsty lands.
The setting of our "emotional compass" to navigate by, for me is about will and intention and intuitivly seeking out the "next step" to take or choosing which fork in the path to follow, each step vital and important.
My thoughts are that to approach God , we may well have to make great effort
and there may well be seemingly costly choices to make and probably the laying of ourselves.... down, ....no longer being the center of our lives.
We live lives embodied and grounded on this earth,.....to touch on things of God and be touched by God, .....may be we need to know the awsomeness of fear and the tenderness of dispair , so that when we reach out to others, we are aware of their vulnerabily and need, and are able to listen and intuit, speak and move,..... in the wisdom.... that lays..... beyond ourselves.
Graham
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Permalink Reply by Graham Edwards on
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James Hudson wrote this as a forward to a book by Joyce Huggett called "Formed by the Desert"a personal encounter with God.
"Earthlings assume that success can be the only legitimate goal of life.Actually ,the desert experiance may look more like failure,even death. In fact, it is preparation for richer living than appeared imaginable beforehand. For it leads to richer deeper understanding of "God's ways."thus the desert is not symbolic for leadership,control and achievements, the icons of self-fulfilment. Rather it is darkness,dryness and despair that opens us to God's guidance, grace and goodness. Thus the desert is where a radical shift of paradigm takes place, turning our enclosing values in reverse. Thus the desert of the heart is no place for clich'es, theories and shallow presumptions, even by christians who live shallow ,activistic lives.Rather it is the place where we may reach rock-bottom, only to discover the Rock at the bottom of it all!."
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Permalink Reply by Graham Edwards on
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I found this further quotation by James Hudson :
"There is not one kind of desert experiance, but as many as there are differing personalities and personal stories,.... yours ....and mine.
For the 'perfectionist' there is the desert of imperfection, where we have to face up to our own weakness and let God alone give us the humility to face and work through them.
For the 'giver' there is the desert of inadiquacy, where we face the flight from our own sinfulness. We too are in need of help from others and , above all, from our God.
The 'doer' is lured into the desert of uselessness where we seem to get nowhere and where we face up to the need to become a powerless 'child' of God.
The 'idealist' who has assumed romantically that life will be interprited and identity given mearly by artistic creativity, is placed in the desert of ordinariness.
The 'observer' or 'scholar' is placed in the desert of solitude until the inner loneliness that substituted 'ideas' for relationship has been confronted...
The 'ridgid' or 'loyal' maintainer of the status quo, afraid of change ,is placed in a desert of flux that appears as disorienting as sand flying in the desert winds.
The 'fun- lover' who fears suffering and pain will wander in the desert of desolation, where for a time life is dominated by pain.
Similarly the 'controller' ends up in the desert of weakness, and is made vulnerable to the threat of the chaotic in a wholly new way.
The 'pleaser' or 'peace-maker' needs freedom in the desert storms where survival requires confrontation with reality, and refuge lies only in God....... learning to speak the truth becomes a terrible risk that has to be taken"
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Permalink Reply by Nathan on
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Graham. Apologies for a delayed reply. A priest once said that the tapestry g-d creates is so richly complex that it can not be reduced to a narrative. In short, our interpretations (“stories”) are limited data drawn together by reducing vast possibility of experience (Like Aldous Huxley said: “the brain is a reducing valve.”). More recently, a teacher pointed out to me that in the midst of all the sensations and explanations that arise in our internal human experience (and interactions) we often retain the ability to choose to look within ourselves and connect to and act from a place of love. Without denying the full spectrum of possible human experience (including doubt, fear, despair, annoyance, anger), we can build our capacity to focus on - and act from - love, like a muscle, so increasingly we can maintain an internal connection to love. By some mysterious serendipity your words echoed, and underscored, this idea. The metaphor of fear and/or despair as a ravine or a desert was very helpful to me, as was your metaphor of “setting the emotional compass” or the compass of “intention and will”. It taught me to look within and choose to connect with inner intention and territory that shapes outer expression and action. And the good news is that we do not have to fear losing our way, because it is in the choice where the leverage lies. Like the metaphor of always being able to return to the breath, no matter how far our minds wander from it, we can always make another internal choice of focus in the next moment that presents itself, or the moment after, to connect to our inner reservoir of love, to move toward g-d, toward loving expression and action, no matter how far we feel we have gone off course from that direction. We can always check our compass, and hang on to the sense of where north might be. In darkness, in strong winds, we choose the direction on which to focus – the arrival at our destination left in g-d’s hands. This is GOOD NEWS because we no longer are lost in the nebulous realm of feeling, nor do we need to struggle for an algorithm to understand our experience, but instead we now focus on something doable. I can do something specific. I can look within and choose. Look within and connect. The doubt, the fear, the other feelings and sensations are sand storms that I need not figure out or change. BETTER NEWS, I tried it several times this past week, and, it really, actually works – with real people, in real situations. As I mentioned in the essay, spiritual theory has increased credibility with me when it also works in a realm beyond the theoretical, within the natural laws of the world in which we live, and can help in the world. Thanks again for taking the chance on venturing a comment. It has already helped real people in the real world, in a circle that extends beyond just me.
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Permalink Reply by Graham Edwards on
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Nathan i'm really basking in all that you have written and allowing the nuances to settle with me.
Yeugeniy wrote elsewhere a super phrase:
"In these matters one has to get out of the way and let somthing else do the speaking "
Graham
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